It's Lexi, Bitch!

Hi, Jude Law! Remember the time you were a promising young actor, charming, super attractive, and seemingly really intelligent? Then you slowly started drinking douche which you now ingest in copious amounts, you can’t get a good movie role for shit (see: The Holiday, no further proof needed), you look haggard and creepy all the time, and now you truly have taken the throne as the Dumbest Bastard Of All Time. Ooh, the acronym for that is D-BOAT!

So first you fucked the nanny. That was pretty low, for a number of reasons. You were engaged at the time. You manipulated the young nanny and were pretty smarmy about it. That was about all I needed to officially change teams.

But now, Jude. Now you’ve gone and gotten another woman pregnant. A woman who you totally cut down in your rep’s official statement about the situation, along with the baby-to-come.

“Jude Law can confirm that, following a relationship last year, he has been advised that he is to be the father of a child due in the fall of this year. Mr Law is no longer in a relationship with the individual concerned but he intends to be a fully supportive part of the child’s life. This is an entirely private matter and no other statements will be made.”

Translation: “D-BOAT can confirm that, following a one-night stand in which he seduced an unwitting woman into sleeping with him before unceremoniously leaving before she got up the next morning, he has been advised that his continued ignorance of the existence of condoms has resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. First he shit bricks, then he demanded a DNA test, all while frantically trying to remember which skirt this one was. When the results of the test came out confirming he’s the baby daddy, he shit bricks again, then had to tell his other 3 kids, then had to pony up and hash out a financial agreement with a bunch of lawyers. He really fucked this one up and he’s begging the press to never bring it up again, as signing a check every month to send to the little fucker is stressing him out enough already.”

And! In the same week, Jude punched and slapped a female photographer. Sounds like charges will be brought against him for it. I think paparazzi are full of shit, they create dangerous situations, and there should indeed be laws prohibiting a lot of what they do now. But there is NEVER a reason for any of them to be attacked, and it is NEVER acceptable for a man to hit a woman. This further proves Jude Law’s high esteem for women!

Keep it classy, D-BOAT! And for fuck’s sake, get a lifetime supply of these already!

HAHAHAH this guy is wearing a fucking condom costume, look at him!

Obvs we’ve all seen Jude Law’s twig and berries and we know he doesn’t need king-sized, except maybe to fit ALL OF HIS STD’S.