It's Lexi, Bitch!

There’s an actual excuse for time between posts now! At the end of January, Mr. It’s Lexi, Bitch and I adopted a dog! His name is Rufus, he is some kind of bulldog/lab mix, he’s about 3 years old, AND HE IS ABSOLUTE AND UTTER PERFECTION. He is hilarious and so clumsy, it’s really unreal. Every single day he walks into something or trips walking up the stairs. Just this morning he was trying to stretch with front paws on the rug and back paws on the hardwood floor and his back paws slipped and he fell flat on his face. His turnaround time is about 0.00001 seconds, luckily, so we never feel too bad for laughing. He snores like you would NOT BELIEVE. And he is a tiny nugget and he is all mine!!

Here’s Rufus! (alternate names: Yellow Bastard, Mr. Ruffles, Butters, Shit Ears [due to a recent ear infection that has since cleared up], Rufey Tufey Pudding Pie, Ruf-a-luf, etc.)

These are the photos I first saw of him on Petfinder.com and fell instantly in love!

His name at the shelter was “Hermes” but when my sister thought I was saying “Herpes,” we quickly decided to change his name. I don’t need the neighbors to think I’m yelling STD names down the street.

We got his balls chopped off right quick, so when he first came home he had to wear a cone and seemed QUITE CONCERNED. Poor little deflated balloon now hanging betwixt his hind legs!

But he got comfortable very fast! Now he sleeps anywhere and everywhere in a tiny, tiny, tiny ball!

His other favorite sleeping position is the Smushy Face.

Rufus has hilarious teeth (it’s the bulldog in him), upon which his lip gets stuck constantly. Sometimes it’s just half, and he looks like Elvis. Other times it’s the whole thing. And he never, ever, ever realizes it!

He looooves the car and totally spaces out in the back. Look at his wee black patches on his dog-elbows! They feel like dinosaur skin and are so cute!

Mr. It’s Lexi, Bitch! took this VERY dignified portrait of the little fella on a trip they took to the desert. What a handsome chap!

He is a handful, but he is the sweetest, funniest little puppers that ever there was! Plus now I’m not the shortest thing in the house!

(good pictures by Lucas, of course, and grainy, shat pictures taken by me with my shat Blackberry)

September 30th and October 1st changed my life forever…..as I finally got to see my queen bee, Ms. Kylie Minogue, perform live! What’s that? Her first North American shows EVER?!?!!?! Yes, that’s correct, and I was there for both of them!! “LIFE-ALTERING” DOES NOT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE MAGNITUDE OF THE EXPERIENCE CELLA AND I HAD.

To channel our nervous and excited energy in the days leading up to the shows, we did what anyone would do. We made shirts and headbands to celebrate our Kylie.

“Understaaaaand, I’m a diamond for yoooooou, a white diamond for yoooooou” inspired us, naturally!

SO EXCITED I CAN’T EVEN DESCRIBE.

Upon rounding the corner and seeing the marquee, our screaming began and did not end for HOURS.

We planted ourselves on the first tier so we were at an even level with our girl, and then it began…….she descended from the ceiling on a giant crystal skull singing “Light Years.” We literally screamed bloody murder and both sobbed instantly. The Beatles’ crowd on Ed Sullivan had NOTHING on us. The guys in front of us gave us their spots within 15 seconds.

She brought that shit, and she brought that shit wearing an INCREDIBLE custom wardrobe from Alexander McQueen.

She walked down a man-staircase in stilettos, after her hot dancers took showers together under stage prop showers while videos of nude mens showering together were projected behind them. I keep re-reading that sentence and it doesn’t make sense. Sorry, just remembering it has made all the blood in my brain evacuate and rush to my nethers. Yes, this is why she is the queen bee.

This is the only point during which I didn’t scream, and that is simply because I was bawling as she sang “White Diamond” while acting out a tormented and sad love story with one of her male dancers, followed by “Confide In Me” and “I Believe In You.” This is why we wore waterproof mascara.

Fabulous Gareth Pugh headpiece, fierce-as-fuck Louboutin boots, welder mens dancing, and enchanting smile. IT’S JUST TOO MUCH TO HANDLE, IT REALLY IS.

The next night we did it all again in formal wear….

And our devotion was rewarded with a setlist! I look at this every single day and feel happy, and I listen to “Light Years” every single day and get the roller coaster belly all over again.

My beloved Kylie was charming, hilarious, personable and effortlessly entertaining…..and the cabaret version of “Locomotion” WENT OFF. Until next time, Kyles!

(All photos by Cella, thanks my sweet!)

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

This happened a few months ago, but I’m still processing it and almost still can’t even talk about it.

I bought tickets to see Ms. Kylie Minogue on September 30th and October 1st. Kylie, the queen bee, the leader of the tiny tribe, my muse, hero, idol and, I’m assuming, future best friend once we meet in some adorable comedy of errors the day of her show wherein we keep running into each other in downtown Oakland (buying gummi bears at Walgreens, reaching for the same pair of shoes in a shop, and eating at side-by-side tables at a sushi restaurant, in case you were wondering) until we can’t deny that our friendship is destined and ride off on brother-and-sister Shetland ponies together (because we’re small). I’m so excited for it! What should I wear?

At the same time I am shitting happy bricks about seeing Kylie, I am shitting sad bricks from missing my sister. She’s been out of the country for 8 months and THAT IS JUST NOT HOW WE DO THINGS AROUND HERE. What is life when you can’t smush your sister’s face, make blanket/pillow nests and watch “Troop Beverly Hills” together for the millionth time whilst quoting it and each playing different characters, dance to Prince together and then fight with each other about something ridiculous anytime you want to? So I’ve been writing an essay on being a sister and I just sit there and write and cry like Claire Danes in ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ which is to say, loudly, unattractively, and blotchily (I still love you, Claire).

In the middle of the Kylie and the blotchy, I found pictures of Kylie and Dannii Minogue together that totally exemplify sisterhood. They are so bew I could just fart.

Other than that, oh I just have so many things on my plate right now, you guys. I’m organizing an ice cream social for work tomorrow so we can go into the weekend in a blaze of fatty dairy. I’m making felty beards*. I’m working on a secret project. And I’m practicing the theremin quite intensely for my upcoming solo performance entitled: “This Is The Only Way To Outdo The Date Rapist Downstairs.**”

*I found this shop on Etsy and my friend Erin and I are going to try to make our own because $40 is preposterous for a felty beard. Erin was a child prodigy and she can cut things out of paper without drawing them first and they come out perfectly. It’s totally creepy, fascinating, inspiring and amazing. Today she made me a mustache. Check out this motherfucker!

**He plays utter shit at all hours on repeat, so loudly that shit falls off my walls. My favorite is when he starts at midnight, IT’S REALLY A DELIGHT. Passive-aggressive notes in disguised handwriting seem to make no difference at all, either! Isn’t that standard neighbor etiquette?! COME ON.

I want to be best friends with both of them!

Most of you, at some point over the last miserable 8 years, have probably wondered “What would Mos Def do if he were president?” Give us health care and breakfast, that’s what. Check it out:

Umm, yes please. Since the mighty Mos is a little late to put in his bid for this election, maybe Obama can give him an appointment in the cabinet! That’s after making me the Secretary of Small Things, obvs.

Also, Neil Young is my new BFF, it’s a semi-long story but he played a riff specifically, privately and personally at my facehole last Sunday and in some cultures that’s a marriage ritual, but since I’m in a committed relashe, we’re just going to be BFFs. Then he cancelled his show in LA because the union is on strike and he was like “HELL NO, WE WON’T GO” and called them his brothers and sisters and since I was raised on protests and chants and have never/will never cross a picket line, it reaffirmed our friendship. Love you, Neil, call me and we’ll go hang out with Mos Def, ok?

You may wonder why I am posting at 11pm on Halloween, my favorite holiday. Surely I should be at a party in a ridiculous costume, dancing to Biggie and posing in the background of strangers’ photos! Desafortunadamente, I’m totes sick and have been residing on my couch for the last 5 days. I am severely bummed. Dressing up is my favorite thing IN THE WORLD.

Things I have missed this week:
-2 Girl Talk shows at the Fillmore.
-A good bro-down with DS.
-A second viewing of “Man on Wire,” the best movie I’ve seen this year.
-5 parties tonight and a sleepover with Julia featuring our specialties: hot dogs, lava cakes, Judd Apatow movies, and filming each other dancing drunk.
-The chance at a $300 prize in my work’s costume contest. I would have OWNED THAT SHIT, but couldn’t because I also missed….
-My chance to dress up like Lucille Ball, a deer (complete with black buttcrack-looking tail and cardboard hooves and maybe real antlers if my tiny peanut head could withstand the weight), or Aladdin Sane-era David Bowie.

Well it was about time for me to start a pop-culture blog. At my 8th grade graduation I was described as a “pop culture maven,” and for better (?) or for worse (!), that title holds true many, many years later. Truly, I can’t help it. I love entertainment in all its forms, whether it’s music, movies, TV, fashion, celebrities, books, or magazines.  This blog’s title was inspired by our dear Britters. You may remember her odd and sad performance of her song “Gimme More” at the VMA’s last year. The video need not be linked, so I’ll refresh your memory with a photo instead. 

“Gimme More” starts with the line “It’s Britney, bitch!” and since it inspired me to answer the phone “It’s Lexi, bitch!” this week, it seemed only natural. But I promise, not too much Brit news because it’s sad and exhausting and I’m overdosed on it already. So, things you will be seeing a lot of on this blog include:

 + Marc Jacobs and shoes, and sometimes Marc Jacobs shoes:

  

+AWESOME DUDES, like Emile Hirsch and Jonah Hill:

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+Bands I love/am listening to/am confused by, etc. (Band I love: Magic Dirt!)

 
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+My sisters in shortness, like Rachel Bilson:


(Two notes: this is a stance I know well, and I really am still sad over her breakup with Adam Brody)

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+Occasional video radness, like Danzig’s shopping list:

+My muses:
 

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And whatever else strikes my fancy!  Bear with me while I figure out how to make this work as best it can on WordPress. I’ll also be relying on Flickr and Google images until I can afford to sign up with a photo agency. Onward!