It's Lexi, Bitch!

There’s an actual excuse for time between posts now! At the end of January, Mr. It’s Lexi, Bitch and I adopted a dog! His name is Rufus, he is some kind of bulldog/lab mix, he’s about 3 years old, AND HE IS ABSOLUTE AND UTTER PERFECTION. He is hilarious and so clumsy, it’s really unreal. Every single day he walks into something or trips walking up the stairs. Just this morning he was trying to stretch with front paws on the rug and back paws on the hardwood floor and his back paws slipped and he fell flat on his face. His turnaround time is about 0.00001 seconds, luckily, so we never feel too bad for laughing. He snores like you would NOT BELIEVE. And he is a tiny nugget and he is all mine!!

Here’s Rufus! (alternate names: Yellow Bastard, Mr. Ruffles, Butters, Shit Ears [due to a recent ear infection that has since cleared up], Rufey Tufey Pudding Pie, Ruf-a-luf, etc.)

These are the photos I first saw of him on Petfinder.com and fell instantly in love!

His name at the shelter was “Hermes” but when my sister thought I was saying “Herpes,” we quickly decided to change his name. I don’t need the neighbors to think I’m yelling STD names down the street.

We got his balls chopped off right quick, so when he first came home he had to wear a cone and seemed QUITE CONCERNED. Poor little deflated balloon now hanging betwixt his hind legs!

But he got comfortable very fast! Now he sleeps anywhere and everywhere in a tiny, tiny, tiny ball!

His other favorite sleeping position is the Smushy Face.

Rufus has hilarious teeth (it’s the bulldog in him), upon which his lip gets stuck constantly. Sometimes it’s just half, and he looks like Elvis. Other times it’s the whole thing. And he never, ever, ever realizes it!

He looooves the car and totally spaces out in the back. Look at his wee black patches on his dog-elbows! They feel like dinosaur skin and are so cute!

Mr. It’s Lexi, Bitch! took this VERY dignified portrait of the little fella on a trip they took to the desert. What a handsome chap!

He is a handful, but he is the sweetest, funniest little puppers that ever there was! Plus now I’m not the shortest thing in the house!

(good pictures by Lucas, of course, and grainy, shat pictures taken by me with my shat Blackberry)

Today is my first day of unemployment in quite some time, and last night, my psyche decided it’d be the perfect time to give me a dream about buying a fucking sweet house, which is essentially the opposite of my current situation. The house in my dream ruled ass, and was likely inspired by my favorite house of all time, as featured on the cover of “Treehouses Of The World” by Pete Nelson.

(photo by Radek Kurzaj)

This is my absolute dream house. The only problems with living there would be a) spiders and b) I’d probably start keeping weird crap in jars, lose my eye in some kind of wool-spinning accident, and change my name to Flora Moonwolf or some shit.

While daydreaming about my perfect house, I thought back to the many celebrity homes featured in magazines that have immediately inspired lust and envy. And now, we lust together.

Jamie Lee Curtis and Christopher Guest’s house. The creeping vines and bougainvillea are all I’ve ever wanted in a house.

Clearly I’d decorate this better than they have, but CHECK OUT THOSE BEAMS!!!!

Oooooh, this secluded pool is so amazing! The greenery surrounding it makes it feel lush and relaxing, like you’re in a jungle! AND OH HAI DAAAAHGG!! WHAT CHEE DEEEEEEEENNNGGG?? I name you Mustard!

Despite the fact that every movie he made after “The Lost Boys” has been a crime against cinema, Joel Schumacher’s house is quite lovely, as well! The view through the front door all the way out the back door is really fucking rad. I hope he moonwalks across that line of sight every time someone is peering through it.

Please ignore the primary color juvenalia molesting this otherwise amazing outdoor space.

Charlie Sheen’s house has a ton of great outdoor space, too. Imagine me sitting out here blogging with a blended Bruiser in hand!

This is where I get my baps out to sun them up a little bit, out of sight of the neighbors!

And here is where I have Cinco de Mayo parties! I think Gael Garcia Bernal is there too, fanning me with palm fronds while I eat guacamole and down margs all night.

The inside ain’t too shabby, either. Here is where I sleep off my hangovers, then read in a silk caftan on a chaise lounge where that hideous leather couch is being neglected (you can’t honestly tell me anyone ever sat on that thing.)

Here is where I write my next blockbuster screenplay, a romantic comedy called “Lover’s Quarry,” about two granite miners who fall in love on the job, starring the kings of rom-com, Matthew McConaughey and Hugh Grant.

Aaaand this is where the intervention is held for me after the screenplay is actually read by another human being.

And now three of my favorite rooms in houses, ever!

Robert Mitchum’s den. The bookcases, windows surrounding the desk, and the spacious wood desk create such a nice, relaxed, breezy and creative space. This is where I’ll write my post-rehab memoir, which will win a Pulitzer, and then I’ll adapt it for the screen and win the Oscar.

Marilyn Monroe in her one-room apartment at the Beverly Carlton Hotel in Beverly Hills. “Throughout her life, Monroe occupied a series of residences, owned no jewelry and counted books, records and a picture of legendary actress Eleonora Duse among her most cherished possessions.” – Architectural Digest

I’ve moved 7 times in the last 6 years, and no place ever really feels like home until I’m surrounded by my favorite small things, like she is in this picture. Books, tin boxes, pictures, paintings, clocks, canisters, musical paraphernalia, etc. In fact, I get really cranky when I’m away from these creature comforts for long, which is why I carry a bag that rivals Mary Poppins’ and is full of little fucknuggets I catch glimpses of throughout the day that make me cozy inside.

Wayne Coyne (of the Flaming Lips) and J. Michelle Martin-Coyne’s kitchen. The injection of their character in this one room makes up for the lack of character in almost all of the rooms in all of the photos in this post! Why hire an interior designer when you pay millions of dollars to live somewhere? Don’t you want it to reflect you and have things in it that you like to see every day? The crazy ass spider/spaceship-looking lamp and vintage stove are perfect, the colorful floor offsets the white tile walls, and LOOK AT THE YITTEN KITTEN TITTEN! OH HAII KITTY, WHAT CHEE DEEEEEEENG!!! I name you Tron!

Title lyrics from Nick Cave’s “Right Now I’m A-Roaming,” which you’ll need to get now.