The Costume Institute Gala happened in early May and I’m totally late! So many outfits and people to judge and what have I been DOING with my time?! Well tonight I’ve been sitting in my unders with the heater cranked up as far as it will go and a few drinkies so as to avoid the bullshit weather that passes for summer here, what the fuck. Now that I’m a couple of drinks in (well, a couple times a couple to the 2nd power or something) and my skin is has reached the appropriate level of blotchy mcblotcherstein, let’s fucking do this!
Let me preface this motherfucker by saying that I adore Anna Wintour, I adore this event, and I would happily give up my body as my own and carry children as a surrogate mother for people FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ONE AFTER THE OTHER BAM BAM BAM IT’S CROWNING IT’S CROWNING if I could go to the Costume Institute Gala just once. However, the theme this year was beyond disappointing, particularly after last year’s “Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy,” which was brilliant (even if the attendees, for the most part, missed the mark). This year the theme was “The Model As Muse: Embodying Fashion”…..emmmm, OK. Let’s see who did that!
LOVES IT:
Anna Wintour (in Chanel) and Andre Leon Talley (in who the fuck knows). Obviously they are always the best dressed each year because they put on the event, but this year they each look particularly divine. Anna’s dress is AMAAAAAZING, I’m a major fan of the black and white and scalloped detail, which gives her tines frame some nice shape. And Andre always looks so regal and dominant but then you notice little details like his loafers, varsity stripes on his sleeves, and necklaces that look like his 5 year old nephew made them with blocks of wood and macaroni in kindergarten, and you realize he’s just beyond bew. I feel comforted when I see each of them out in public because they look fantastic and they run the biggest fashion magazine in the world, and it’s just as it should be.
Kate Moss in Marc Jacobs. Something about metallics, headpieces, and long drapes of fabric designed by Marc Jacobs and worn by the most famous and still beloved cokehead in the world personifies fashion.
Iman (in Donna Karan) is the closest thing to perfection in a human that will ever be attained. She is unbelievably gorgeous and here she looks effortlessly chic, comfortable and happy. Creator of makeup line for dark skin colors? Check. Daughter named Lexi? Check. Married to David Bowie? Check. Looks like a delicious glass of skim milk here? Check.
Emma Roberts, though not a model muse, looks delicious in this candy red Atelier Versace dress/Lego finery. Maybe I’m just obsessed with the voluminous scalloped dresses right now, but this is such a youthful, unexpected design, both in material and silhouette. The shoes are something we can’t ever even talk about, but the dress is perfection.
So apparently this is Dr. Lisa Airan, M.D., a New York socialite I’ve never heard of, but whose Balmain dress IS SO UNBELIEVABLY PERFECT I WOULD CLEAN UP THE LIPOSUCTION REMNANTS IN HER OFFICE WITH MY BARE HANDS TO HAVE IT IN MY CLOSET. ;AKLSJDF;ASKDJFA;SKDF!!!!!!!!
Liv Tyler is positively luminous. Her dress matches her eye color, it sparkles, and it has an interesting cut and details. I LOVE the belt that has slightly larger panels than the rest of her dress and the ruching in the sleeves. She just LOOKS like a muse, even though she didn’t become famous for being a model (though her Givenchy ads are always delightful).
Aaaaand the best for last, my favorite model of all time, Alek Wek in Emmanuel Ungaro. She looks so fucking amazing I’m starting to get panicky and sweaty trying to figure out the words to do her justice. The color of the dress is SO scrumptious, especially the way it pops out from her beautiful skin, and the unconventional/asymmetrical collar and textured waves make it really compelling. Big ups to Alek Wek, she is just the tits.
HATES IT:
I’ve seen Winona Ryder exactly twice this year: once in the “Star Trek” movie and the other time in this picture. My reactions to both were “What the fuck is she doing there?” To be fair, she looks cute, but she’s wearing a Marc Jacobs tunic that every 20-something girl wants to wear but has to buy a knockoff of at H&M and it is WAY too casual to wear here. I do have a little soft spot in my heart for Winona because of “Reality Bites” which I have seen around 900 times and watched today, and because she offered me pills, lint and a Polaroid picture she found in her coat pocket at a party a few years ago. I said no thanks to all, for the record.
Ugggggghhhhh Jessica Bluhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’ve tried really hard to like Jessica Biel, but she is in shithouse movies, is always in a bad mood, and comes across as a haughty bitchnugget in every interview. This dress looks like a prom dress in the front being attacked from the back and is really unflattering on her otherwise beautiful and athletic body. Color me entirely nonplussed.
Ohhhh, this makes me so sad because Jessica Stam is one of my current favorite models, but her dress reminds me of leftover macaroni and cheese that has separated into the burnt cheese part, the untouched top orangey cheese part and the paler part towards the bottom of the bowl. It’s OK, Stam, I still love you.
Bar Rafaeli in the latest from the This Is That Tinfoil Shit That Firefighters Hide In When A Fire Rages On Top Of Them collection……Spring/Summer 2009.
I can’t wait for the day when the governmental documents become unclassified and it is revealed once and for all that Anne Hathaway’s fame is an elaborate joke or study. She looks fucking HILAAAAAARIOUS!!!! Each of her features could cover and protect my apartment building during a tsunami, and her hair at this event could protect the entire Bay Area. Her dress, a decent Marc Jacobs design, could not be worse for her body type. She is a giant insult to me and to humanity.
Hey, Anne Hathaway!
