It's Lexi, Bitch!

September 30th and October 1st changed my life forever…..as I finally got to see my queen bee, Ms. Kylie Minogue, perform live! What’s that? Her first North American shows EVER?!?!!?! Yes, that’s correct, and I was there for both of them!! “LIFE-ALTERING” DOES NOT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE MAGNITUDE OF THE EXPERIENCE CELLA AND I HAD.

To channel our nervous and excited energy in the days leading up to the shows, we did what anyone would do. We made shirts and headbands to celebrate our Kylie.

“Understaaaaand, I’m a diamond for yoooooou, a white diamond for yoooooou” inspired us, naturally!

SO EXCITED I CAN’T EVEN DESCRIBE.

Upon rounding the corner and seeing the marquee, our screaming began and did not end for HOURS.

We planted ourselves on the first tier so we were at an even level with our girl, and then it began…….she descended from the ceiling on a giant crystal skull singing “Light Years.” We literally screamed bloody murder and both sobbed instantly. The Beatles’ crowd on Ed Sullivan had NOTHING on us. The guys in front of us gave us their spots within 15 seconds.

She brought that shit, and she brought that shit wearing an INCREDIBLE custom wardrobe from Alexander McQueen.

She walked down a man-staircase in stilettos, after her hot dancers took showers together under stage prop showers while videos of nude mens showering together were projected behind them. I keep re-reading that sentence and it doesn’t make sense. Sorry, just remembering it has made all the blood in my brain evacuate and rush to my nethers. Yes, this is why she is the queen bee.

This is the only point during which I didn’t scream, and that is simply because I was bawling as she sang “White Diamond” while acting out a tormented and sad love story with one of her male dancers, followed by “Confide In Me” and “I Believe In You.” This is why we wore waterproof mascara.

Fabulous Gareth Pugh headpiece, fierce-as-fuck Louboutin boots, welder mens dancing, and enchanting smile. IT’S JUST TOO MUCH TO HANDLE, IT REALLY IS.

The next night we did it all again in formal wear….

And our devotion was rewarded with a setlist! I look at this every single day and feel happy, and I listen to “Light Years” every single day and get the roller coaster belly all over again.

My beloved Kylie was charming, hilarious, personable and effortlessly entertaining…..and the cabaret version of “Locomotion” WENT OFF. Until next time, Kyles!

(All photos by Cella, thanks my sweet!)

Ohhh, do my emotions have a complicated history with Sonic Youth. Can I even tell you how many times I put “Self-Obsessed and Sexxee” on mix tapes for boys I was trying to woo when I was growing up? And then how many times I listened to “Inhuman” to get over unrequited love, when said mix tapes didn’t work? As long as I’ve been around, so has Sonic Youth, so we’ve been through a lot together. I’ve had entire friendships founded on a mutual love for Sonic Youth. Kim and Thurston were major reasons I first started playing guitar. They had a cameo on “Gilmore Girls” and will next be on “Gossip Girl,” both shows I am too old to watch but still do. But somehow after all this, I’d only ever had the honor of seeing them live for about 15 minutes, once, at a festival in Australia. Until a couple of weeks ago!

I finally had the chance to see them at the Fox Theater in Oakland on August 2nd, and IT WAS PERFECTION. Having spent the day totally nauseous in anticipation and excitement, I almost blew chunks as I totally left my body and my 14-year-old self saw me from above, uttering the words “I’m on Sonic Youth’s list” to the woman at the box office. I mean, HOLY FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK. A series of delightful things happened, the first of which was somehow finding a spot on the floor behind an entire section of people shorter than I am. Being around people shorter than I am has only ever happened in two situations: when I lived in Mexico, and whenever I’m around children under the age of about 10. Seeing the stage perfectly FROM THE FLOOR? Unheard of for this tinysaurus! Next, I was ordering a drink and accidentally winked at the bartender because I got some shit in my contact, and he thought I was hitting on him and he gave me a SUPER-boozy drink and undercharged me (will try this again everywhere I go).

Then they came on. Oh my motherfucking balls.

Lights by my brilliant and accommodating and life-long-dream-realizer, Dan:

(source, I was too busy trying not to yak to remember my camera, FML)

Her Highness, Kim Gordon:

(source)

His Tallness, Thurston Moore:

(source)

Mark motherfucking Ibold from Pavement (new bestie)

(source)

Fucksocks, limited awesome photos on Flickr. Next time I’ll take Prilosec for 2 weeks leading up to it so I remember my goddamn camera instead of remembering not to vom.

Setlist:

Tom Violence
No Way
Sacred Trickster
Calming the Snake
Hey Joni
Anti-Orgasm (in which Dan wrote out each letter for “ORGASM” flashing one after another on LED panels, totes genius)
Walkin Blue
Poison Arrow
Malibu Gas Station
Antenna
Leaky Lifeboat (for Gregory Corso)
Massage History
Stereo Sanctity
Encore:
What We Know
Shadow of a Doubt
Encore 2:
The Sprawl
‘Cross the Breeze

Sweet fucking tits, I think I saw Allah by the end of it!

Afterwards, Marc (my +1, who drove back up to the Bay from Santa Barbara that day and went to Neverland to pay his respects on the way. That’s the only way my day could have possibly been even more overwhelming!) and I went back to the dressing room, where I stood back-to-back with both Kim and Thurston at various points and was WAY too nervous to speak or even look at them directly (maybe I should make them each a mix tape! Oh wait….). But Marc did strike up a conversation with Mark Ibold, who I also was too nervous to speak to (HE WAS IN MOTHERFUCKING PAVEMENT, OH MY FUCKING GOD) but managed to squeak out a few utterances and giggle excitedly in his direction. He was so incredibly friendly and jubilant, it was an absolute delight. After that, Marc and I made our way to BART, our ears still ringing. A landmark night, and nary a drop of vomit was ever spilled!

Also, I love going to shows at the Fox. The venue is beyond beautiful and well-designed, the staff is always SO nice (the bew elderly gentleman who took my ticket told me he loved my bag and my style! I was having a fat/ugly/clothing crisis day until then!), the sound is top notch, and it’s just a pleasant experience each time. You get to have these dudes looming over you, blessing your evening:

(source)

(Note: this would have been posted a couple of weeks ago, but I went to visit my parents the next day and their internet connection is powered by hamsters running on wheels, FML)

I recently made a fatal error, you guys. I knew Q-Tip had released a new record at the end of 2008, his first in 9 years, but for some reason I didn’t buy it until 3 weeks ago.

Upon listening to it, I realized my life could have been drastically better for the last 6 months had I just bought the record when it first came out. Colors are brighter, food tastes better! And all other music has been rendered useless and unnecessary! It is called “The Renaissance,” and if you don’t buy it in your preferred format immediately, I have little to say to you from this point on.

As part of my own Q-Tip renaissance (oh! Look what I did there!), I came across this here video, of Q-Tip doing the old classic “Vivrant Thing” live with his majesty PRINCE coming out to do the guitar solo. Check out these two GQ motherfuckers!

Q-Tip also did a couple of fucking great music videos for some of his new songs, including one of my favorites from the record “ManWomanBoogie.” [!!!! Music videos, imagine that! Not that there's anywhere to watch music videos except for on YouTube these days. MTV should have to legally change its name to expel the "Music" part of its acronym, as it expelled all music from its channel years ago in favor of reality shows like 'Road Rules vs. Real World: The Cuntbag Crusade' or whatever the fuck they show now.]

I dig the creepiness of this video. I mean, who wouldn’t follow Q-Tip down the street if they saw him? Once I followed Taylor Hanson after I saw him buying coffee at Dean and Deluca. I don’t even like him, it was just a weird instinct. I forgot my sushi at the counter and the cashier had to yell after me to come get it. I got it and resumed following Taylor Hanson, then got bored after a few blocks. He is pretty. Umm anyway……the Q-tip video!

Another exciting bit of the last few weeks was seeing another pair of underwear, forgotten on the sidewalk. I choose to believe that they were thrown out a window in the throes of passion, rather than the likelier story that they fell out of a laundry basket. That explanation is no fun.

[Lucas took the photo, thanks nugget!]

Like I said, that was “another pair.” The first pair was about 2 years ago, it was a pink thong by Walgreens.

But really, all you need to know is that after 5 long years, I’ve finally found knockoffs of my most coveted and favorite Chanel sunglasses of all history. These warlocks are so limited-edish that finding real ones is not even possible for people who would actually spend thousands of dollars on a pair of plastic……but somehow knockoffs are just as hard to find! Today I decided that it was no longer acceptable for me not to have them, so I tracked down a pair of knockoffs.

Behold the Chanel 5018 Half Tints in all their glory:

I will obvs look just as ferocious in them as Mary Kate. My favorite thing about these sunnies is that I could perform surgery whilst looking through the bottom half BUT DO IT ON THE BEACH IN BORA BORA because of the shaded top half! I’ll probably get my identity stolen by the website (like my friend Tracy, who had hers stolen by a cat costume website [well deserved, really]), BUT IT’S WORTH IT!!!!!!!