It's Lexi, Bitch!

Since the celebs got it totally wrong at the Met Costume Gala, I’ve put together a tutorial on how to dress oneself for such an event.

Step 1: Find inspiration
Easiest inspiration ever, Wonder Woman! One needs look no further than the gorgeous Lynda Carter.

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Step 2: Dress from head toe.
Headband and some gold eye makeup from Natasha of Bat for Lashes:

 

Blue glitter superhero mask, though I’d use royal blue glitter makeup for this, using the gold as the outline:

 

Step 3: Wear a gown with a Wonder Woman silhouette
This Dior dress is ridiculously perfect. Imagine the skirt flying behind you like a cape as you fly! The skeleton must be that of one of the villains you’ve brought to justice.

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Step 4: Wear shoes that only a superhero could walk in.
Louboutins, of course.

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Step 5: Accessorize your clutch to your makeup
Thank you, Chanel.

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Step 6: Don’t be afraid to be over-the-top.
It’s a costume gala. You are wearing a costume. The purpose of this event is to honor the artists and designers who inspire people into creating more art and designs. It’s not about looking pretty or red-carpet-ready, it’s about looking avant-garde.

This is why I should be invited to the Met Costume Gala next year. Rachel “Raisin Face” Zoe can step the fuck down.

Color me disappointed. One of my favorite fashion events of the year, the Metropolitan Museum’s Costume Institute Gala Benefit, had an amazing theme this year – Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy. Unfortunately, all of the people who were lucky enough to be invited to the prestigious event totally screwed the pooch and the fashion was completely boring. Can you believe not one person had a superhero eye mask painted on with blue glittery makeup? That should have been the first order of business. Here are my favorite (a real stretch, to be honest) ensembles and most vom-inducing ensembles of the evening.

+Favorite-ish. I guess. If I must.

Amber Valletta’s gown is the closest thing to a motherfucking costume as anyone got this year. The shiny material is perfect, and the draping of her shoulder-poofs looks like wings. She looks like a superhero, which should be the point of the damn thing.

Of course Anna Wintour shows up as the villain. Her super power is the ram-tackle, as evidenced by the ram horns on her shoulders and hips.

Looove this piece Naomi Watts wore. The scalloped edges look very superhero, and the star adds a perfect costume touch.

-Awful. Just awful.

Oh, wow, are you a model? I had no idea. I have not seen you on the cover of every single magazine and in every single advertisement within those magazines or on TV commercials or in the Victoria’s Secret specials and catalogs or in the tabloids every week with your boring boyfriend. Thanks for showing us your model body, otherwise we’d have no idea. I can’t stand Gisele to begin with, but the dress looks like the logo for the hospital where I grew up, so I guess it’s pretty appropriate that two things that make me nauseous have now been paired together.

Awww, man. ScarJo totally disappoints. The gown is actually getting closer to the superhero theme – the bodice reminds me of Superwoman’s leotard a bit. But that awful cream color sucks any possible life out of it. An entirely monotone ensemble at a costume gala?! Seriously? Dolce and Gabbana should be ashamed.

Barf. Eva Longoria is wearing 4 bolts of drapes from Linens ‘n Things. It looks like a sea urchin is eating her.

Who the fuck invited Emmy Rossum? I find her so repelling I seriously cannot fathom why she is famous. This dress is so fucking boring. It looks like a pillow from Urban Outfitters. GO HOME.

I JUST DIED OF BOREDOM. Sarah Michelle Gellar, what the fuck? (or, SMG, WTF?) Wearing a beyond-plain black dress to a COSTUME GALA?!

Beyonce basically wears a variation of this dress every day.

I expect MUCH more from Posh Spice. Also, why are all the men wearing plain tuxes? This is so the chance to forsake the penguin suit for something fun and different.

I hate Kristin Davis and her ass face already, but she looks like she’s about to meet the Queen. This dress, jewelry and hair is SO ridiculous for this event.

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In conclusion, I’m ordering every single attendee of this event to read some goddamn comic books. Start with Superman Vol. 1, Issue 1, posthaste!

Trent Reznor has decided to thank us for all of our years of support by giving us yet another free album. You can choose your format and download it in about 30 seconds. I feel like I owe him a free album now…? I’m going to start the “Thank You, Trent” movement so that we can thank him in the way that he’s thanked us. That means everyone who downloads this should open up Garage Band and just fucking have at it. I’m sure he’ll be very grateful!

Head to the NIN site to download “The Slip.”

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I’ve been a huge NIN fan for years and have had the great fortune to see them play many times. Each show was incredible, whether in an arena or in a small venue. Most recently, I saw Trent perform with just a piano, eggshaker and a string quartet for the Bridge School Benefit just over 2 years ago. It moved me to tears and was just so beautiful I can’t even describe it. Additionally, I once saw Trent buying bananas at the tiny general store in Big Sur while he was writing “The Fragile.” Even though I was a starstruck teenager, I knew to leave him alone, lest those bananas end up somewhere uncomfortable like my poor asshole.