It's Lexi, Bitch!

September 30th and October 1st changed my life forever…..as I finally got to see my queen bee, Ms. Kylie Minogue, perform live! What’s that? Her first North American shows EVER?!?!!?! Yes, that’s correct, and I was there for both of them!! “LIFE-ALTERING” DOES NOT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE MAGNITUDE OF THE EXPERIENCE CELLA AND I HAD.

To channel our nervous and excited energy in the days leading up to the shows, we did what anyone would do. We made shirts and headbands to celebrate our Kylie.

“Understaaaaand, I’m a diamond for yoooooou, a white diamond for yoooooou” inspired us, naturally!

SO EXCITED I CAN’T EVEN DESCRIBE.

Upon rounding the corner and seeing the marquee, our screaming began and did not end for HOURS.

We planted ourselves on the first tier so we were at an even level with our girl, and then it began…….she descended from the ceiling on a giant crystal skull singing “Light Years.” We literally screamed bloody murder and both sobbed instantly. The Beatles’ crowd on Ed Sullivan had NOTHING on us. The guys in front of us gave us their spots within 15 seconds.

She brought that shit, and she brought that shit wearing an INCREDIBLE custom wardrobe from Alexander McQueen.

She walked down a man-staircase in stilettos, after her hot dancers took showers together under stage prop showers while videos of nude mens showering together were projected behind them. I keep re-reading that sentence and it doesn’t make sense. Sorry, just remembering it has made all the blood in my brain evacuate and rush to my nethers. Yes, this is why she is the queen bee.

This is the only point during which I didn’t scream, and that is simply because I was bawling as she sang “White Diamond” while acting out a tormented and sad love story with one of her male dancers, followed by “Confide In Me” and “I Believe In You.” This is why we wore waterproof mascara.

Fabulous Gareth Pugh headpiece, fierce-as-fuck Louboutin boots, welder mens dancing, and enchanting smile. IT’S JUST TOO MUCH TO HANDLE, IT REALLY IS.

The next night we did it all again in formal wear….

And our devotion was rewarded with a setlist! I look at this every single day and feel happy, and I listen to “Light Years” every single day and get the roller coaster belly all over again.

My beloved Kylie was charming, hilarious, personable and effortlessly entertaining…..and the cabaret version of “Locomotion” WENT OFF. Until next time, Kyles!

(All photos by Cella, thanks my sweet!)

Yes, I’ve been gone for many months! Whoops! I got laid off and moved to Los Angeles. The layoff coincided with the return of my best friend from her stint in the Peace Corps. Perfect! So my tripod/triangle/vortex of the apex of best frienditude was back together again. We mostly invented new drinks, danced, had big sleepovers, watched every Apatow movie and 30 Rock episode ever made, and ate lots of things with mayonnaise in them.

THE BIG NEWS: This inspired my two darlings to start a new food blog! If you do well with recipes that instruct you to add “a couple farts of dijon mustard,” then The Decadence Factor is for you. I’ve been very lucky that these two know how to cook and do so AMAZINGLY, since I am differently abled in the culinary realm.

They also take pretty photos of their food and bevvies, like these little fuckers I barely remember….I had the gin sweats the next day something fierce!

L-R: Chef Julia, Eater Lexi, Chef Cella

Watch for the inevitable Food Network show sometime soon, likely to be called “The Lusty Chefs.” And yes, more posts to come soon, I have lots to cover from the last few months!

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

This happened a few months ago, but I’m still processing it and almost still can’t even talk about it.

I bought tickets to see Ms. Kylie Minogue on September 30th and October 1st. Kylie, the queen bee, the leader of the tiny tribe, my muse, hero, idol and, I’m assuming, future best friend once we meet in some adorable comedy of errors the day of her show wherein we keep running into each other in downtown Oakland (buying gummi bears at Walgreens, reaching for the same pair of shoes in a shop, and eating at side-by-side tables at a sushi restaurant, in case you were wondering) until we can’t deny that our friendship is destined and ride off on brother-and-sister Shetland ponies together (because we’re small). I’m so excited for it! What should I wear?

At the same time I am shitting happy bricks about seeing Kylie, I am shitting sad bricks from missing my sister. She’s been out of the country for 8 months and THAT IS JUST NOT HOW WE DO THINGS AROUND HERE. What is life when you can’t smush your sister’s face, make blanket/pillow nests and watch “Troop Beverly Hills” together for the millionth time whilst quoting it and each playing different characters, dance to Prince together and then fight with each other about something ridiculous anytime you want to? So I’ve been writing an essay on being a sister and I just sit there and write and cry like Claire Danes in ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ which is to say, loudly, unattractively, and blotchily (I still love you, Claire).

In the middle of the Kylie and the blotchy, I found pictures of Kylie and Dannii Minogue together that totally exemplify sisterhood. They are so bew I could just fart.

Other than that, oh I just have so many things on my plate right now, you guys. I’m organizing an ice cream social for work tomorrow so we can go into the weekend in a blaze of fatty dairy. I’m making felty beards*. I’m working on a secret project. And I’m practicing the theremin quite intensely for my upcoming solo performance entitled: “This Is The Only Way To Outdo The Date Rapist Downstairs.**”

*I found this shop on Etsy and my friend Erin and I are going to try to make our own because $40 is preposterous for a felty beard. Erin was a child prodigy and she can cut things out of paper without drawing them first and they come out perfectly. It’s totally creepy, fascinating, inspiring and amazing. Today she made me a mustache. Check out this motherfucker!

**He plays utter shit at all hours on repeat, so loudly that shit falls off my walls. My favorite is when he starts at midnight, IT’S REALLY A DELIGHT. Passive-aggressive notes in disguised handwriting seem to make no difference at all, either! Isn’t that standard neighbor etiquette?! COME ON.

Dear Ms. Loretta Lynn,

Happy birthday! You are the queen bee and I love you. Our birthdays are 10 days apart (err, and a few years). Today I booked a trip to Nashville, which is the best way I can think to honor you.

Maybe we could have tea and crumpets while I’m there! Can you teach me how to write songs, sing and make my hair as big as yours? You are the queen of all this and more. Here’s to 74 more years!

Love,
It’s Lexi, Ma’am! (I wouldn’t dare to swear around you.)

(I am NOT cheating on Kylie, she’s the Australian Queen.)

A Loretta classic:

The first time I heard this song, my eyes popped out of my head. Not unlike Wile E. Coyote when Bugs Bunny dresses in drag!

Fellow shorties of the United States, get ready for our queen bee’s arrival next week! The original Five Feet of Fabulous, Kylie Minogue, is releasing her latest album X here next Tuesday, April 1st.

Stream the new album on her MySpace page and then pre-order it here on Amazon. “2 Hearts” was the first single outside of the U.S. and is so much fun, and “Wow” is the best thing that’s happened to dance music since Kylie’s last album, and “Speakerphone” is SO AWESOME.

Her schedule is packed with appearances and I can think of no better way to spend my birthday week than by seeing my muse on American TV for a whole week!

Here’s the schedule:
Monday, March 31st:
-Interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show

Tuesday, April 1st – RELEASE DAY!
-If you didn’t pre-order X here on Amazon, download the album on iTunes or get to the record store when it opens to buy it!
-Kylie performs her new single “All I see” on Dancing With the Stars.

Thursday, April 3rd
-Kylie will be interviewed and perform on the Ellen DeGeneres show. Just the thought of her coming out and dancing with Ellen MAKES ME SO EXCITED I CAN’T STAND IT!! She’s going to be too wee to walk over the table like Ellen does! It’s going to be SO CUTE!

I’m so excited Kylie’s going to be back in the States and I really hope her album does well and she comes back to tour. She’s been through so much in the last couple of years, she has worked her tiny and hot rump off for 20 years straight, and she is the tiniest, sweetest person. She is amazing and I support everything she does (which is why I have her t-shirts, perfumes, posters, buttons, dolls, cards, etc. and listen to her every single day). If I won the lottery tomorrow, the first thing I would do is book tickets to follow her on tour in Europe.

Watch her new video for “Wow” here:

and her gorgeous and bouncing performance of “2 Hearts” on “Wetten Dass?” here:

I’m not ashamed of the fact that when I watched that performance in December I cried my eyes out when I saw the fan holding the red sign that says “KYLIE’S BACK.” Kylie IS back, and I am so excited!

I was doing my usual scouring of YouTube for new Nick Cave stuff when I found this ABSOLUTE GEM. Backstage at the Mojo awards, Amy Winehouse walks by Nick Cave. He reacts as any normal human being would.

Nick Cave was a heroin addict who used to collect pieces of hair. If he looks at you this way, it is of utmost importance that you take a serious look at your life urgently. Or maybe he was just trying to figure out how to snag a lock of her beehive for his collection? I think he’s past his “hair thing” these days, though.

Thanks to Lucas for the screen caps.