It's Lexi, Bitch!

Ohhh, do my emotions have a complicated history with Sonic Youth. Can I even tell you how many times I put “Self-Obsessed and Sexxee” on mix tapes for boys I was trying to woo when I was growing up? And then how many times I listened to “Inhuman” to get over unrequited love, when said mix tapes didn’t work? As long as I’ve been around, so has Sonic Youth, so we’ve been through a lot together. I’ve had entire friendships founded on a mutual love for Sonic Youth. Kim and Thurston were major reasons I first started playing guitar. They had a cameo on “Gilmore Girls” and will next be on “Gossip Girl,” both shows I am too old to watch but still do. But somehow after all this, I’d only ever had the honor of seeing them live for about 15 minutes, once, at a festival in Australia. Until a couple of weeks ago!

I finally had the chance to see them at the Fox Theater in Oakland on August 2nd, and IT WAS PERFECTION. Having spent the day totally nauseous in anticipation and excitement, I almost blew chunks as I totally left my body and my 14-year-old self saw me from above, uttering the words “I’m on Sonic Youth’s list” to the woman at the box office. I mean, HOLY FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKK. A series of delightful things happened, the first of which was somehow finding a spot on the floor behind an entire section of people shorter than I am. Being around people shorter than I am has only ever happened in two situations: when I lived in Mexico, and whenever I’m around children under the age of about 10. Seeing the stage perfectly FROM THE FLOOR? Unheard of for this tinysaurus! Next, I was ordering a drink and accidentally winked at the bartender because I got some shit in my contact, and he thought I was hitting on him and he gave me a SUPER-boozy drink and undercharged me (will try this again everywhere I go).

Then they came on. Oh my motherfucking balls.

Lights by my brilliant and accommodating and life-long-dream-realizer, Dan:

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Her Highness, Kim Gordon:

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His Tallness, Thurston Moore:

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Mark motherfucking Ibold from Pavement (new bestie)

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Fucksocks, limited awesome photos on Flickr. Next time I’ll take Prilosec for 2 weeks leading up to it so I remember my goddamn camera instead of remembering not to vom.

Setlist:

Tom Violence
No Way
Sacred Trickster
Calming the Snake
Hey Joni
Anti-Orgasm (in which Dan wrote out each letter for “ORGASM” flashing one after another on LED panels, totes genius)
Walkin Blue
Poison Arrow
Malibu Gas Station
Antenna
Leaky Lifeboat (for Gregory Corso)
Massage History
Stereo Sanctity
Encore:
What We Know
Shadow of a Doubt
Encore 2:
The Sprawl
‘Cross the Breeze

Sweet fucking tits, I think I saw Allah by the end of it!

Afterwards, Marc (my +1, who drove back up to the Bay from Santa Barbara that day and went to Neverland to pay his respects on the way. That’s the only way my day could have possibly been even more overwhelming!) and I went back to the dressing room, where I stood back-to-back with both Kim and Thurston at various points and was WAY too nervous to speak or even look at them directly (maybe I should make them each a mix tape! Oh wait….). But Marc did strike up a conversation with Mark Ibold, who I also was too nervous to speak to (HE WAS IN MOTHERFUCKING PAVEMENT, OH MY FUCKING GOD) but managed to squeak out a few utterances and giggle excitedly in his direction. He was so incredibly friendly and jubilant, it was an absolute delight. After that, Marc and I made our way to BART, our ears still ringing. A landmark night, and nary a drop of vomit was ever spilled!

Also, I love going to shows at the Fox. The venue is beyond beautiful and well-designed, the staff is always SO nice (the bew elderly gentleman who took my ticket told me he loved my bag and my style! I was having a fat/ugly/clothing crisis day until then!), the sound is top notch, and it’s just a pleasant experience each time. You get to have these dudes looming over you, blessing your evening:

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(Note: this would have been posted a couple of weeks ago, but I went to visit my parents the next day and their internet connection is powered by hamsters running on wheels, FML)

I invented a surprisingly good drink? It’s 10pm, which in my tiny, sleepy neighborhood means you’re fucked if you’re out of mixers. As a result, I invented the following:

THE BRUISER
-Vodka
-Grape juice
-Tonic water
-Garnish with 3 red Haribo gummi bears

Lack of ingredients is the mother of invention. I can’t cook for shit, burn things every time I try to toast something (and toast is my favorite food, so that’s really upsetting), but mama can make a drink when she needs to. Although I haven’t reached the bottom yet to eat the gummi bears, so we’ll see if they soak up the flavors beautifully, like a sangria, or if they get all hard and unchewy.

You can kind of see the gummi bears, sticking together. I think they’re trying to climb out. OMG this reminds of “Honey I Shrunk The Kids,” aka one of the 3 movies we owned when I was growing up and can quote verbatim from start to finish.

As you can also see from the photo, I GOT BANGS. Major news, you guys. Bangs, a Bruiser and a Nuggets win = everything’s coming up Lexi!

In other major news, I have a couple of new members on my daily YouTube/Flickr scouring routine.

The first is T.I. Not only have I been listening to him nonstop, but his partner is named “Tiny” and she is 4′11″. Obviously T.I. knows that, like fine perfume, good things come in small packages. I also want to take his beanie off with my teeth.

The other fella is Jason Segel. As Nick Andopolis, he was my favorite character on “Freaks and Geeks.” If you’ve never watched that series, you need to rent it or buy it immediately or we have no reason to be friends. He’s a hilarious writer and actor and seems like the most genuine, sweetest guy ever.

There are 3 things that make me love Jason Segel more than anything:

1. When you google image search “male nudity,” he is the first result, because of his nude scenes from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” That shit deserves applause. I will never know someone who has accomplished something that fucking awesome in my entire life.

2. This video of him singing the confrontation scene from Les Miserables with Neil Patrick Harris. It is utterly incredible.

3. The interviews he and Paul Rudd did together during the press tour for “I Love You, Man” are absolutely, without question, the most amazing interactions to ever be recorded. I’m not exaggerating. The following interviews make me almost puke and actually cry each time I watch them.

OK, I’m done with The Bruiser now and the gummi bears are AMAAAAZIIIING at the end. I mean at first the texture is repulsive and I almost want to vomit but then the center just tastes like gummi bear and a little bit of vodka and it’s really charming. This hero bitch is done.

I organized a breakfast potluck in my office so we could all celebrate and watch the Inauguration together. 3 minutes into my commute, I glanced at the newspaper another train rider was reading and saw a picture of Obama and the headline “The Long Journey” and started bawling. Obama’s speech was brilliant, and I am still bowled over that my new President included “non-believers” in his inaugural speech when talking about religion. Thanks for the shout-out, O!

A MYRIAD OF LOVES IT:

Aretha’s. Fucking. Hat. NEED!

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These sweet, poised girls and their brilliant Fall 2009 J.Crew CrewCuts (BewCuts?) coats, designed especially for them.

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The only time people have booed a person in a wheelchair. Fuck you, Dick.

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Later, asshole! We’re taking our country back now! Enjoy The Onion’s tales of your death, painful tumble, crocodile maiming, kidney stones, motorcade dragging incident, and spider eggs hatching in your brain.

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Mr. Adorbs McTinyPants himself, Rev. Lowery. I’m pretty sure there was a worldwide “BBBEEEWWWW!!” happening at this moment. Wonderful benediction, too.

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This brilliant, beautiful and compassionate pair (and that DRESS! Beyond stunning!).

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But above all, this speech, an eloquent President, and the sight of this man behind the Presidential Seal.

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Sorry for the unintentional break; I’ve been so culturally stimulated lately it’s been overwhelming to collect my thoughts. I will be back soon, but in the meantime I know you all will be as pleased as I am to see the following pictures. Never has a pair of best friends been as bew, smart and talented as these two. Though I’m disappointed not to have carried their children, I’m very happy they are procreating and releasing more bew, smart and talented people into the world (Diego and his wife popped one out a couple months ago and Gael and his girlfriend have a babers arriving next year).

For the record, I’m rooting for whichever team they like. Also, these pictures remind me of the time I was in Peru with my family a few years ago. During the last hour of our train ride from Machu Picchu to Cusco, my sister began to projectile vomit and endure explosive diarrhea that would last for the next 48 hours. She had arranged in advance a family outing to a soccer game upon our return, but when we got back to Cusco she and my mom had to stay behind as my mom weighed the options of a suppository vs. an IV to get my sister back in action. Not wanting to waste a good idea, my Dad and I attended the fuck out of the soccer game. I drank máte de coca the whole time and threw my empty cups at the riot cops who form a human tunnel for the soccer players to duck under to enter the field. After the game we arrived back at the hotel just in time to watch a comprehensive documentary on Kylie. In the end, it was one of the best days of my life. Can’t say the same for my sister!

Oh my god, you guys. So I kept reading articles that Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling were back together, and I even saw that picture of them leaving Ryan’s DJ gig together, but I couldn’t let such things get my hopes up.

Then I watched “The Notebook” three times last weekend.

And now they are back together.

Don’t front like my dedication and belief in them didn’t make a difference.

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This one seriously makes me weep.

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Remember the time they won “Best Kiss” at the MTV Movie Awards and re-enacted it and it was the hottest, sweetest thing ever and they looked so in love and Ryan picked up Rachel’s jacket afterwards?

Michael Phelps approves.

This is the best thing that has happened in 2008. Reasons I love them together include: they are both smart and awesome in general, they march in immigrants’ rights protests, they are Darfur activists, they initially hated each other and fell in love after “The Notebook,” the height difference, and because Ryan looks like my darling boy.

In conclusion: IF YOU’RE A BIRD I’M A BIRD ;ALKSDJFAL;SDFJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!