It's Lexi, Bitch!

There’s an actual excuse for time between posts now! At the end of January, Mr. It’s Lexi, Bitch and I adopted a dog! His name is Rufus, he is some kind of bulldog/lab mix, he’s about 3 years old, AND HE IS ABSOLUTE AND UTTER PERFECTION. He is hilarious and so clumsy, it’s really unreal. Every single day he walks into something or trips walking up the stairs. Just this morning he was trying to stretch with front paws on the rug and back paws on the hardwood floor and his back paws slipped and he fell flat on his face. His turnaround time is about 0.00001 seconds, luckily, so we never feel too bad for laughing. He snores like you would NOT BELIEVE. And he is a tiny nugget and he is all mine!!

Here’s Rufus! (alternate names: Yellow Bastard, Mr. Ruffles, Butters, Shit Ears [due to a recent ear infection that has since cleared up], Rufey Tufey Pudding Pie, Ruf-a-luf, etc.)

These are the photos I first saw of him on Petfinder.com and fell instantly in love!

His name at the shelter was “Hermes” but when my sister thought I was saying “Herpes,” we quickly decided to change his name. I don’t need the neighbors to think I’m yelling STD names down the street.

We got his balls chopped off right quick, so when he first came home he had to wear a cone and seemed QUITE CONCERNED. Poor little deflated balloon now hanging betwixt his hind legs!

But he got comfortable very fast! Now he sleeps anywhere and everywhere in a tiny, tiny, tiny ball!

His other favorite sleeping position is the Smushy Face.

Rufus has hilarious teeth (it’s the bulldog in him), upon which his lip gets stuck constantly. Sometimes it’s just half, and he looks like Elvis. Other times it’s the whole thing. And he never, ever, ever realizes it!

He looooves the car and totally spaces out in the back. Look at his wee black patches on his dog-elbows! They feel like dinosaur skin and are so cute!

Mr. It’s Lexi, Bitch! took this VERY dignified portrait of the little fella on a trip they took to the desert. What a handsome chap!

He is a handful, but he is the sweetest, funniest little puppers that ever there was! Plus now I’m not the shortest thing in the house!

(good pictures by Lucas, of course, and grainy, shat pictures taken by me with my shat Blackberry)

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

This happened a few months ago, but I’m still processing it and almost still can’t even talk about it.

I bought tickets to see Ms. Kylie Minogue on September 30th and October 1st. Kylie, the queen bee, the leader of the tiny tribe, my muse, hero, idol and, I’m assuming, future best friend once we meet in some adorable comedy of errors the day of her show wherein we keep running into each other in downtown Oakland (buying gummi bears at Walgreens, reaching for the same pair of shoes in a shop, and eating at side-by-side tables at a sushi restaurant, in case you were wondering) until we can’t deny that our friendship is destined and ride off on brother-and-sister Shetland ponies together (because we’re small). I’m so excited for it! What should I wear?

At the same time I am shitting happy bricks about seeing Kylie, I am shitting sad bricks from missing my sister. She’s been out of the country for 8 months and THAT IS JUST NOT HOW WE DO THINGS AROUND HERE. What is life when you can’t smush your sister’s face, make blanket/pillow nests and watch “Troop Beverly Hills” together for the millionth time whilst quoting it and each playing different characters, dance to Prince together and then fight with each other about something ridiculous anytime you want to? So I’ve been writing an essay on being a sister and I just sit there and write and cry like Claire Danes in ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ which is to say, loudly, unattractively, and blotchily (I still love you, Claire).

In the middle of the Kylie and the blotchy, I found pictures of Kylie and Dannii Minogue together that totally exemplify sisterhood. They are so bew I could just fart.

Other than that, oh I just have so many things on my plate right now, you guys. I’m organizing an ice cream social for work tomorrow so we can go into the weekend in a blaze of fatty dairy. I’m making felty beards*. I’m working on a secret project. And I’m practicing the theremin quite intensely for my upcoming solo performance entitled: “This Is The Only Way To Outdo The Date Rapist Downstairs.**”

*I found this shop on Etsy and my friend Erin and I are going to try to make our own because $40 is preposterous for a felty beard. Erin was a child prodigy and she can cut things out of paper without drawing them first and they come out perfectly. It’s totally creepy, fascinating, inspiring and amazing. Today she made me a mustache. Check out this motherfucker!

**He plays utter shit at all hours on repeat, so loudly that shit falls off my walls. My favorite is when he starts at midnight, IT’S REALLY A DELIGHT. Passive-aggressive notes in disguised handwriting seem to make no difference at all, either! Isn’t that standard neighbor etiquette?! COME ON.

I invented a surprisingly good drink? It’s 10pm, which in my tiny, sleepy neighborhood means you’re fucked if you’re out of mixers. As a result, I invented the following:

THE BRUISER
-Vodka
-Grape juice
-Tonic water
-Garnish with 3 red Haribo gummi bears

Lack of ingredients is the mother of invention. I can’t cook for shit, burn things every time I try to toast something (and toast is my favorite food, so that’s really upsetting), but mama can make a drink when she needs to. Although I haven’t reached the bottom yet to eat the gummi bears, so we’ll see if they soak up the flavors beautifully, like a sangria, or if they get all hard and unchewy.

You can kind of see the gummi bears, sticking together. I think they’re trying to climb out. OMG this reminds of “Honey I Shrunk The Kids,” aka one of the 3 movies we owned when I was growing up and can quote verbatim from start to finish.

As you can also see from the photo, I GOT BANGS. Major news, you guys. Bangs, a Bruiser and a Nuggets win = everything’s coming up Lexi!

In other major news, I have a couple of new members on my daily YouTube/Flickr scouring routine.

The first is T.I. Not only have I been listening to him nonstop, but his partner is named “Tiny” and she is 4′11″. Obviously T.I. knows that, like fine perfume, good things come in small packages. I also want to take his beanie off with my teeth.

The other fella is Jason Segel. As Nick Andopolis, he was my favorite character on “Freaks and Geeks.” If you’ve never watched that series, you need to rent it or buy it immediately or we have no reason to be friends. He’s a hilarious writer and actor and seems like the most genuine, sweetest guy ever.

There are 3 things that make me love Jason Segel more than anything:

1. When you google image search “male nudity,” he is the first result, because of his nude scenes from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” That shit deserves applause. I will never know someone who has accomplished something that fucking awesome in my entire life.

2. This video of him singing the confrontation scene from Les Miserables with Neil Patrick Harris. It is utterly incredible.

3. The interviews he and Paul Rudd did together during the press tour for “I Love You, Man” are absolutely, without question, the most amazing interactions to ever be recorded. I’m not exaggerating. The following interviews make me almost puke and actually cry each time I watch them.

OK, I’m done with The Bruiser now and the gummi bears are AMAAAAZIIIING at the end. I mean at first the texture is repulsive and I almost want to vomit but then the center just tastes like gummi bear and a little bit of vodka and it’s really charming. This hero bitch is done.

Dear Ms. Loretta Lynn,

Happy birthday! You are the queen bee and I love you. Our birthdays are 10 days apart (err, and a few years). Today I booked a trip to Nashville, which is the best way I can think to honor you.

Maybe we could have tea and crumpets while I’m there! Can you teach me how to write songs, sing and make my hair as big as yours? You are the queen of all this and more. Here’s to 74 more years!

Love,
It’s Lexi, Ma’am! (I wouldn’t dare to swear around you.)

(I am NOT cheating on Kylie, she’s the Australian Queen.)

A Loretta classic:

The first time I heard this song, my eyes popped out of my head. Not unlike Wile E. Coyote when Bugs Bunny dresses in drag!

I want to be best friends with both of them!

Most of you, at some point over the last miserable 8 years, have probably wondered “What would Mos Def do if he were president?” Give us health care and breakfast, that’s what. Check it out:

Umm, yes please. Since the mighty Mos is a little late to put in his bid for this election, maybe Obama can give him an appointment in the cabinet! That’s after making me the Secretary of Small Things, obvs.

Also, Neil Young is my new BFF, it’s a semi-long story but he played a riff specifically, privately and personally at my facehole last Sunday and in some cultures that’s a marriage ritual, but since I’m in a committed relashe, we’re just going to be BFFs. Then he cancelled his show in LA because the union is on strike and he was like “HELL NO, WE WON’T GO” and called them his brothers and sisters and since I was raised on protests and chants and have never/will never cross a picket line, it reaffirmed our friendship. Love you, Neil, call me and we’ll go hang out with Mos Def, ok?

You may wonder why I am posting at 11pm on Halloween, my favorite holiday. Surely I should be at a party in a ridiculous costume, dancing to Biggie and posing in the background of strangers’ photos! Desafortunadamente, I’m totes sick and have been residing on my couch for the last 5 days. I am severely bummed. Dressing up is my favorite thing IN THE WORLD.

Things I have missed this week:
-2 Girl Talk shows at the Fillmore.
-A good bro-down with DS.
-A second viewing of “Man on Wire,” the best movie I’ve seen this year.
-5 parties tonight and a sleepover with Julia featuring our specialties: hot dogs, lava cakes, Judd Apatow movies, and filming each other dancing drunk.
-The chance at a $300 prize in my work’s costume contest. I would have OWNED THAT SHIT, but couldn’t because I also missed….
-My chance to dress up like Lucille Ball, a deer (complete with black buttcrack-looking tail and cardboard hooves and maybe real antlers if my tiny peanut head could withstand the weight), or Aladdin Sane-era David Bowie.

Sorry for the unintentional break; I’ve been so culturally stimulated lately it’s been overwhelming to collect my thoughts. I will be back soon, but in the meantime I know you all will be as pleased as I am to see the following pictures. Never has a pair of best friends been as bew, smart and talented as these two. Though I’m disappointed not to have carried their children, I’m very happy they are procreating and releasing more bew, smart and talented people into the world (Diego and his wife popped one out a couple months ago and Gael and his girlfriend have a babers arriving next year).

For the record, I’m rooting for whichever team they like. Also, these pictures remind me of the time I was in Peru with my family a few years ago. During the last hour of our train ride from Machu Picchu to Cusco, my sister began to projectile vomit and endure explosive diarrhea that would last for the next 48 hours. She had arranged in advance a family outing to a soccer game upon our return, but when we got back to Cusco she and my mom had to stay behind as my mom weighed the options of a suppository vs. an IV to get my sister back in action. Not wanting to waste a good idea, my Dad and I attended the fuck out of the soccer game. I drank máte de coca the whole time and threw my empty cups at the riot cops who form a human tunnel for the soccer players to duck under to enter the field. After the game we arrived back at the hotel just in time to watch a comprehensive documentary on Kylie. In the end, it was one of the best days of my life. Can’t say the same for my sister!

Fellow shorties of the United States, get ready for our queen bee’s arrival next week! The original Five Feet of Fabulous, Kylie Minogue, is releasing her latest album X here next Tuesday, April 1st.

Stream the new album on her MySpace page and then pre-order it here on Amazon. “2 Hearts” was the first single outside of the U.S. and is so much fun, and “Wow” is the best thing that’s happened to dance music since Kylie’s last album, and “Speakerphone” is SO AWESOME.

Her schedule is packed with appearances and I can think of no better way to spend my birthday week than by seeing my muse on American TV for a whole week!

Here’s the schedule:
Monday, March 31st:
-Interview with Matt Lauer on the Today Show

Tuesday, April 1st – RELEASE DAY!
-If you didn’t pre-order X here on Amazon, download the album on iTunes or get to the record store when it opens to buy it!
-Kylie performs her new single “All I see” on Dancing With the Stars.

Thursday, April 3rd
-Kylie will be interviewed and perform on the Ellen DeGeneres show. Just the thought of her coming out and dancing with Ellen MAKES ME SO EXCITED I CAN’T STAND IT!! She’s going to be too wee to walk over the table like Ellen does! It’s going to be SO CUTE!

I’m so excited Kylie’s going to be back in the States and I really hope her album does well and she comes back to tour. She’s been through so much in the last couple of years, she has worked her tiny and hot rump off for 20 years straight, and she is the tiniest, sweetest person. She is amazing and I support everything she does (which is why I have her t-shirts, perfumes, posters, buttons, dolls, cards, etc. and listen to her every single day). If I won the lottery tomorrow, the first thing I would do is book tickets to follow her on tour in Europe.

Watch her new video for “Wow” here:

and her gorgeous and bouncing performance of “2 Hearts” on “Wetten Dass?” here:

I’m not ashamed of the fact that when I watched that performance in December I cried my eyes out when I saw the fan holding the red sign that says “KYLIE’S BACK.” Kylie IS back, and I am so excited!

Well it was about time for me to start a pop-culture blog. At my 8th grade graduation I was described as a “pop culture maven,” and for better (?) or for worse (!), that title holds true many, many years later. Truly, I can’t help it. I love entertainment in all its forms, whether it’s music, movies, TV, fashion, celebrities, books, or magazines.  This blog’s title was inspired by our dear Britters. You may remember her odd and sad performance of her song “Gimme More” at the VMA’s last year. The video need not be linked, so I’ll refresh your memory with a photo instead. 

“Gimme More” starts with the line “It’s Britney, bitch!” and since it inspired me to answer the phone “It’s Lexi, bitch!” this week, it seemed only natural. But I promise, not too much Brit news because it’s sad and exhausting and I’m overdosed on it already. So, things you will be seeing a lot of on this blog include:

 + Marc Jacobs and shoes, and sometimes Marc Jacobs shoes:

  

+AWESOME DUDES, like Emile Hirsch and Jonah Hill:

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+Bands I love/am listening to/am confused by, etc. (Band I love: Magic Dirt!)

 
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+My sisters in shortness, like Rachel Bilson:


(Two notes: this is a stance I know well, and I really am still sad over her breakup with Adam Brody)

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+Occasional video radness, like Danzig’s shopping list:

+My muses:
 

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And whatever else strikes my fancy!  Bear with me while I figure out how to make this work as best it can on WordPress. I’ll also be relying on Flickr and Google images until I can afford to sign up with a photo agency. Onward!