It's Lexi, Bitch!

The brilliant Lee Alexander McQueen left us this week, leaving behind a legacy that will carry on for generations. McQueen was an absolute genius artist.

Even if you don’t like fashion, you have seen McQueen’s artistry without even realizing it!

Example A: David Bowie’s “Earthling” album art…..McQueen and Bowie designed this jacket together.

Example B: Björk’s “Homogenic” album art concept, clothing AND photography….even though it looks like a painting, it’s an actual photograph of her.

His designs simultaneously appear to be centuries old and from the future. Without labeling these photos, you can’t tell what year these are from. Fall/Winter ‘99? Spring/Summer ‘09? They are mindblowing in their timelessness. I mean, can’t you see Marie Antoinette wearing this stuff, and can’t you see your great-great-great-great-grandchildren wearing it as they zip around in their hovercrafts?

The way McQueen could look at a body and see borders and shapes beyond its natural lines is fascinating to me. The best example of this is the Armadillo shoes he created:

They look hilarious, right? Then you see them being worn and look at how amazing they are!!!!

Some more of my favorite designs where he creates different shapes, volumes and borders:

At the same time he designed crazy, gorgeous, high-concept, totally out-there couture collections like this…..

…he also designed a discount line for Target of totally wearable, everyday clothes for people like me to wear. This is one of my favorites from that collection (that I wore to see Kylie, for whom McQueen designed stage costumes).

His garments have adorned everyone you can imagine, because his designs are so versatile. These are all so different from each other, so gorgeous, and each of these women looks so comfortable in his clothes.

Janet Jackson

Beth Ditto

Björk, of course

Lady Gaga, a frequent recent collaborator with McQueen.

Cate Blanchett

Anna Paquin

Dita Von Teese

Thandie Newton

Victoria Beckham

Rihanna

Katie Holmes

…..and even our First Lady, Michelle Obama!

My 5 runners up for favorite McQueen design of all time:

And my all-time favorite Alexander McQueen creation EVER EVER EVER EVER…….this dress that makes my heart stop.

Farewell to an innovator and inspiration….

(Photos collected from a million places under the influence of rum and mourning. Contact me if you own any of them.)

(Also, I know the spacing is all fucked up and the photos are all different sizes. I don’t know shit about that stuff, sorry.)

The Costume Institute Gala happened in early May and I’m totally late! So many outfits and people to judge and what have I been DOING with my time?! Well tonight I’ve been sitting in my unders with the heater cranked up as far as it will go and a few drinkies so as to avoid the bullshit weather that passes for summer here, what the fuck. Now that I’m a couple of drinks in (well, a couple times a couple to the 2nd power or something) and my skin is has reached the appropriate level of blotchy mcblotcherstein, let’s fucking do this!

Let me preface this motherfucker by saying that I adore Anna Wintour, I adore this event, and I would happily give up my body as my own and carry children as a surrogate mother for people FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ONE AFTER THE OTHER BAM BAM BAM IT’S CROWNING IT’S CROWNING if I could go to the Costume Institute Gala just once. However, the theme this year was beyond disappointing, particularly after last year’s “Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy,” which was brilliant (even if the attendees, for the most part, missed the mark). This year the theme was “The Model As Muse: Embodying Fashion”…..emmmm, OK. Let’s see who did that!

LOVES IT:

Anna Wintour (in Chanel) and Andre Leon Talley (in who the fuck knows). Obviously they are always the best dressed each year because they put on the event, but this year they each look particularly divine. Anna’s dress is AMAAAAAZING, I’m a major fan of the black and white and scalloped detail, which gives her tines frame some nice shape. And Andre always looks so regal and dominant but then you notice little details like his loafers, varsity stripes on his sleeves, and necklaces that look like his 5 year old nephew made them with blocks of wood and macaroni in kindergarten, and you realize he’s just beyond bew. I feel comforted when I see each of them out in public because they look fantastic and they run the biggest fashion magazine in the world, and it’s just as it should be.

Kate Moss in Marc Jacobs. Something about metallics, headpieces, and long drapes of fabric designed by Marc Jacobs and worn by the most famous and still beloved cokehead in the world personifies fashion.

Iman (in Donna Karan) is the closest thing to perfection in a human that will ever be attained. She is unbelievably gorgeous and here she looks effortlessly chic, comfortable and happy. Creator of makeup line for dark skin colors? Check. Daughter named Lexi? Check. Married to David Bowie? Check. Looks like a delicious glass of skim milk here? Check.

Emma Roberts, though not a model muse, looks delicious in this candy red Atelier Versace dress/Lego finery. Maybe I’m just obsessed with the voluminous scalloped dresses right now, but this is such a youthful, unexpected design, both in material and silhouette. The shoes are something we can’t ever even talk about, but the dress is perfection.

So apparently this is Dr. Lisa Airan, M.D., a New York socialite I’ve never heard of, but whose Balmain dress IS SO UNBELIEVABLY PERFECT I WOULD CLEAN UP THE LIPOSUCTION REMNANTS IN HER OFFICE WITH MY BARE HANDS TO HAVE IT IN MY CLOSET. ;AKLSJDF;ASKDJFA;SKDF!!!!!!!!

Liv Tyler is positively luminous. Her dress matches her eye color, it sparkles, and it has an interesting cut and details. I LOVE the belt that has slightly larger panels than the rest of her dress and the ruching in the sleeves. She just LOOKS like a muse, even though she didn’t become famous for being a model (though her Givenchy ads are always delightful).

Aaaaand the best for last, my favorite model of all time, Alek Wek in Emmanuel Ungaro. She looks so fucking amazing I’m starting to get panicky and sweaty trying to figure out the words to do her justice. The color of the dress is SO scrumptious, especially the way it pops out from her beautiful skin, and the unconventional/asymmetrical collar and textured waves make it really compelling. Big ups to Alek Wek, she is just the tits.

HATES IT:

I’ve seen Winona Ryder exactly twice this year: once in the “Star Trek” movie and the other time in this picture. My reactions to both were “What the fuck is she doing there?” To be fair, she looks cute, but she’s wearing a Marc Jacobs tunic that every 20-something girl wants to wear but has to buy a knockoff of at H&M and it is WAY too casual to wear here. I do have a little soft spot in my heart for Winona because of “Reality Bites” which I have seen around 900 times and watched today, and because she offered me pills, lint and a Polaroid picture she found in her coat pocket at a party a few years ago. I said no thanks to all, for the record.

Ugggggghhhhh Jessica Bluhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’ve tried really hard to like Jessica Biel, but she is in shithouse movies, is always in a bad mood, and comes across as a haughty bitchnugget in every interview. This dress looks like a prom dress in the front being attacked from the back and is really unflattering on her otherwise beautiful and athletic body. Color me entirely nonplussed.

Ohhhh, this makes me so sad because Jessica Stam is one of my current favorite models, but her dress reminds me of leftover macaroni and cheese that has separated into the burnt cheese part, the untouched top orangey cheese part and the paler part towards the bottom of the bowl. It’s OK, Stam, I still love you.

Bar Rafaeli in the latest from the This Is That Tinfoil Shit That Firefighters Hide In When A Fire Rages On Top Of Them collection……Spring/Summer 2009.

I can’t wait for the day when the governmental documents become unclassified and it is revealed once and for all that Anne Hathaway’s fame is an elaborate joke or study. She looks fucking HILAAAAAARIOUS!!!! Each of her features could cover and protect my apartment building during a tsunami, and her hair at this event could protect the entire Bay Area. Her dress, a decent Marc Jacobs design, could not be worse for her body type. She is a giant insult to me and to humanity.

Hey, Anne Hathaway!

I recently made a fatal error, you guys. I knew Q-Tip had released a new record at the end of 2008, his first in 9 years, but for some reason I didn’t buy it until 3 weeks ago.

Upon listening to it, I realized my life could have been drastically better for the last 6 months had I just bought the record when it first came out. Colors are brighter, food tastes better! And all other music has been rendered useless and unnecessary! It is called “The Renaissance,” and if you don’t buy it in your preferred format immediately, I have little to say to you from this point on.

As part of my own Q-Tip renaissance (oh! Look what I did there!), I came across this here video, of Q-Tip doing the old classic “Vivrant Thing” live with his majesty PRINCE coming out to do the guitar solo. Check out these two GQ motherfuckers!

Q-Tip also did a couple of fucking great music videos for some of his new songs, including one of my favorites from the record “ManWomanBoogie.” [!!!! Music videos, imagine that! Not that there's anywhere to watch music videos except for on YouTube these days. MTV should have to legally change its name to expel the "Music" part of its acronym, as it expelled all music from its channel years ago in favor of reality shows like 'Road Rules vs. Real World: The Cuntbag Crusade' or whatever the fuck they show now.]

I dig the creepiness of this video. I mean, who wouldn’t follow Q-Tip down the street if they saw him? Once I followed Taylor Hanson after I saw him buying coffee at Dean and Deluca. I don’t even like him, it was just a weird instinct. I forgot my sushi at the counter and the cashier had to yell after me to come get it. I got it and resumed following Taylor Hanson, then got bored after a few blocks. He is pretty. Umm anyway……the Q-tip video!

Another exciting bit of the last few weeks was seeing another pair of underwear, forgotten on the sidewalk. I choose to believe that they were thrown out a window in the throes of passion, rather than the likelier story that they fell out of a laundry basket. That explanation is no fun.

[Lucas took the photo, thanks nugget!]

Like I said, that was “another pair.” The first pair was about 2 years ago, it was a pink thong by Walgreens.

But really, all you need to know is that after 5 long years, I’ve finally found knockoffs of my most coveted and favorite Chanel sunglasses of all history. These warlocks are so limited-edish that finding real ones is not even possible for people who would actually spend thousands of dollars on a pair of plastic……but somehow knockoffs are just as hard to find! Today I decided that it was no longer acceptable for me not to have them, so I tracked down a pair of knockoffs.

Behold the Chanel 5018 Half Tints in all their glory:

I will obvs look just as ferocious in them as Mary Kate. My favorite thing about these sunnies is that I could perform surgery whilst looking through the bottom half BUT DO IT ON THE BEACH IN BORA BORA because of the shaded top half! I’ll probably get my identity stolen by the website (like my friend Tracy, who had hers stolen by a cat costume website [well deserved, really]), BUT IT’S WORTH IT!!!!!!!

I organized a breakfast potluck in my office so we could all celebrate and watch the Inauguration together. 3 minutes into my commute, I glanced at the newspaper another train rider was reading and saw a picture of Obama and the headline “The Long Journey” and started bawling. Obama’s speech was brilliant, and I am still bowled over that my new President included “non-believers” in his inaugural speech when talking about religion. Thanks for the shout-out, O!

A MYRIAD OF LOVES IT:

Aretha’s. Fucking. Hat. NEED!

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These sweet, poised girls and their brilliant Fall 2009 J.Crew CrewCuts (BewCuts?) coats, designed especially for them.

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The only time people have booed a person in a wheelchair. Fuck you, Dick.

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Later, asshole! We’re taking our country back now! Enjoy The Onion’s tales of your death, painful tumble, crocodile maiming, kidney stones, motorcade dragging incident, and spider eggs hatching in your brain.

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Mr. Adorbs McTinyPants himself, Rev. Lowery. I’m pretty sure there was a worldwide “BBBEEEWWWW!!” happening at this moment. Wonderful benediction, too.

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This brilliant, beautiful and compassionate pair (and that DRESS! Beyond stunning!).

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But above all, this speech, an eloquent President, and the sight of this man behind the Presidential Seal.

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for new year’s eve this year, lucas and i rented a cheapy oceanfront hotel room, drank a bottle of champers, and learned how to make .gifs right on my camera.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

i missed the golden globes, as i was squired away to north carolina for lots of relaxation, southern food i’d never heard of, and playing with amazing kitties and a dog. however, i do have some thoughts on the fashions, as usual!

AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH ;ALSDJFAS;DF!!!!!!!!!!! :

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ummm. cruella deville? what is going on here? there’s no way carolina hererra actually designed this. inconceivable.

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is it possible for drew to one day have a good golden globes look? let us not forget what happened a few years ago. i understand she’s trying to go for the marilyn hair, but it’s so, so, so far from that, it makes me shudder.

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you are 16, miley. take out your hair extensions, hose off that makeup, and cover up your chesticles. stop bringing your dad as your date to these things. also, stop dating that lecherous 20 year old dude who’s using you for fame. just stop. STOP!

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megan fox irritates me to no end. she constantly looks like she’s giving someone oral sex. she just looks so rubbery and plastic and so much like a blow-up doll that i find her to be a complete mess. horrible tattoos, too.

LOVES IT:

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holy shit. january jones is grace kelly. she’s amazing in “mad men,” too. complete and total perfection.

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freida pinto looks effortless and glowing in this christian lacroix gown. the color and shape are PERFECT for her, and her cuff bracelet and box clutch are perfectly complementary. but the best thing is her sweet smile, which has me totally swooning.

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taraji henson found the most amazing mix of playful (the supposed air of the golden globes until everyone started wearing long black gowns again a few years ago, what the fuck) and formal. i love the mix of materials, colors, ruffles and sparkles on her dress, mixed with the classic silhouette. she is so completely stunning and radiant, i was almost in cardiac arrest every time she came onscreen in “benjamin button.” until the whole thing nearly put me to sleep.

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TIIIIINNNNNAAAA. this is the way to wear a fucking black dress. if it’s long and black, at least choose a dress with some interesting details. the amazing deep-v neck, lined with what looks like ammunition, is contrasted by the sweet bow. i love this woman.

SO CLOSE….SO, SO CLOSE:

all of the following women are major victims of monochromatic ensembles. i love each of them dearly, so consider this an intervention, isla fisher, america ferrera and laura linney. it’s not good when the gown matches your hair and/or skin and/or shoes with no interruption of other color the whole way through. i almost took laura linney out because of the silver belt, but then i saw the clutch……sobs.

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Speed Racer was actually totally fucking awesome. I saw it at my favorite movie theater, the Red Vic, which shows a great mix of movies – older classics, cult favorites, newer releases about 2 months after they’ve left theater but before they’re out on DVD, etc. We keep their monthly calendar pinned to the wall in front of the toilet, so every time I drop a deuce I read about what’s coming up. They also have the best black cherry soda in the world and they have free brewer’s yeast to put on your popcorn. This works out quite nicely since I usually pack my own bag of yeast to bring to the movies. People look at me, confused and judging. Not my fault they don’t want their popcorn to be EVEN MORE MAGICALLY DELICIOUS.

Right, Speed Racer. I loved this cartoon as a kid and when I heard Emile Hirsch was going to be in it, I was pretty stoked. When the Wachowskis decided to spearhead it, I got even more excited – even though I hate the Matrix, the special effects are pretty amazing. Add Christina Ricci as Trixie and my old pal Kick Gurry from Australia as Sparky the mechanic AND a real monkey (bew!) and you’ve got yourself a nice little film! The storyline was great, the actors were perfect (John Goodman and Susan Sarandon as the parents were a great match, and the wee little brother damn near stole the show), the script was hilarious and F me in the A, the effects were amazing! It was so entertaining to watch – super saturated colors, lots of great action and futuristic shit whizzing by, and of course, amazing car races.

Trixie’s style is not to be overlooked, either. Her fabulous bob, liquid liner, sequins, popping colors, pink helicopter, aviators, and, my favorite, the sexy leather gloves!

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Yay Kick! Do that shit!

And now it seems a romance has blossomed as a result. BEW BEW BEW!

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Final analysis: the critics and box office aside, this movie is tubular and is very worthy of your Netflix queue.

Since the celebs got it totally wrong at the Met Costume Gala, I’ve put together a tutorial on how to dress oneself for such an event.

Step 1: Find inspiration
Easiest inspiration ever, Wonder Woman! One needs look no further than the gorgeous Lynda Carter.

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Step 2: Dress from head toe.
Headband and some gold eye makeup from Natasha of Bat for Lashes:

 

Blue glitter superhero mask, though I’d use royal blue glitter makeup for this, using the gold as the outline:

 

Step 3: Wear a gown with a Wonder Woman silhouette
This Dior dress is ridiculously perfect. Imagine the skirt flying behind you like a cape as you fly! The skeleton must be that of one of the villains you’ve brought to justice.

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Step 4: Wear shoes that only a superhero could walk in.
Louboutins, of course.

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Step 5: Accessorize your clutch to your makeup
Thank you, Chanel.

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Step 6: Don’t be afraid to be over-the-top.
It’s a costume gala. You are wearing a costume. The purpose of this event is to honor the artists and designers who inspire people into creating more art and designs. It’s not about looking pretty or red-carpet-ready, it’s about looking avant-garde.

This is why I should be invited to the Met Costume Gala next year. Rachel “Raisin Face” Zoe can step the fuck down.

Color me disappointed. One of my favorite fashion events of the year, the Metropolitan Museum’s Costume Institute Gala Benefit, had an amazing theme this year – Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy. Unfortunately, all of the people who were lucky enough to be invited to the prestigious event totally screwed the pooch and the fashion was completely boring. Can you believe not one person had a superhero eye mask painted on with blue glittery makeup? That should have been the first order of business. Here are my favorite (a real stretch, to be honest) ensembles and most vom-inducing ensembles of the evening.

+Favorite-ish. I guess. If I must.

Amber Valletta’s gown is the closest thing to a motherfucking costume as anyone got this year. The shiny material is perfect, and the draping of her shoulder-poofs looks like wings. She looks like a superhero, which should be the point of the damn thing.

Of course Anna Wintour shows up as the villain. Her super power is the ram-tackle, as evidenced by the ram horns on her shoulders and hips.

Looove this piece Naomi Watts wore. The scalloped edges look very superhero, and the star adds a perfect costume touch.

-Awful. Just awful.

Oh, wow, are you a model? I had no idea. I have not seen you on the cover of every single magazine and in every single advertisement within those magazines or on TV commercials or in the Victoria’s Secret specials and catalogs or in the tabloids every week with your boring boyfriend. Thanks for showing us your model body, otherwise we’d have no idea. I can’t stand Gisele to begin with, but the dress looks like the logo for the hospital where I grew up, so I guess it’s pretty appropriate that two things that make me nauseous have now been paired together.

Awww, man. ScarJo totally disappoints. The gown is actually getting closer to the superhero theme – the bodice reminds me of Superwoman’s leotard a bit. But that awful cream color sucks any possible life out of it. An entirely monotone ensemble at a costume gala?! Seriously? Dolce and Gabbana should be ashamed.

Barf. Eva Longoria is wearing 4 bolts of drapes from Linens ‘n Things. It looks like a sea urchin is eating her.

Who the fuck invited Emmy Rossum? I find her so repelling I seriously cannot fathom why she is famous. This dress is so fucking boring. It looks like a pillow from Urban Outfitters. GO HOME.

I JUST DIED OF BOREDOM. Sarah Michelle Gellar, what the fuck? (or, SMG, WTF?) Wearing a beyond-plain black dress to a COSTUME GALA?!

Beyonce basically wears a variation of this dress every day.

I expect MUCH more from Posh Spice. Also, why are all the men wearing plain tuxes? This is so the chance to forsake the penguin suit for something fun and different.

I hate Kristin Davis and her ass face already, but she looks like she’s about to meet the Queen. This dress, jewelry and hair is SO ridiculous for this event.

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In conclusion, I’m ordering every single attendee of this event to read some goddamn comic books. Start with Superman Vol. 1, Issue 1, posthaste!