It's Lexi, Bitch!

No post today, guys, I’m too busy getting my friends laid by 21 year olds.

Today is my first day of unemployment in quite some time, and last night, my psyche decided it’d be the perfect time to give me a dream about buying a fucking sweet house, which is essentially the opposite of my current situation. The house in my dream ruled ass, and was likely inspired by my favorite house of all time, as featured on the cover of “Treehouses Of The World” by Pete Nelson.

(photo by Radek Kurzaj)

This is my absolute dream house. The only problems with living there would be a) spiders and b) I’d probably start keeping weird crap in jars, lose my eye in some kind of wool-spinning accident, and change my name to Flora Moonwolf or some shit.

While daydreaming about my perfect house, I thought back to the many celebrity homes featured in magazines that have immediately inspired lust and envy. And now, we lust together.

Jamie Lee Curtis and Christopher Guest’s house. The creeping vines and bougainvillea are all I’ve ever wanted in a house.

Clearly I’d decorate this better than they have, but CHECK OUT THOSE BEAMS!!!!

Oooooh, this secluded pool is so amazing! The greenery surrounding it makes it feel lush and relaxing, like you’re in a jungle! AND OH HAI DAAAAHGG!! WHAT CHEE DEEEEEEEENNNGGG?? I name you Mustard!

Despite the fact that every movie he made after “The Lost Boys” has been a crime against cinema, Joel Schumacher’s house is quite lovely, as well! The view through the front door all the way out the back door is really fucking rad. I hope he moonwalks across that line of sight every time someone is peering through it.

Please ignore the primary color juvenalia molesting this otherwise amazing outdoor space.

Charlie Sheen’s house has a ton of great outdoor space, too. Imagine me sitting out here blogging with a blended Bruiser in hand!

This is where I get my baps out to sun them up a little bit, out of sight of the neighbors!

And here is where I have Cinco de Mayo parties! I think Gael Garcia Bernal is there too, fanning me with palm fronds while I eat guacamole and down margs all night.

The inside ain’t too shabby, either. Here is where I sleep off my hangovers, then read in a silk caftan on a chaise lounge where that hideous leather couch is being neglected (you can’t honestly tell me anyone ever sat on that thing.)

Here is where I write my next blockbuster screenplay, a romantic comedy called “Lover’s Quarry,” about two granite miners who fall in love on the job, starring the kings of rom-com, Matthew McConaughey and Hugh Grant.

Aaaand this is where the intervention is held for me after the screenplay is actually read by another human being.

And now three of my favorite rooms in houses, ever!

Robert Mitchum’s den. The bookcases, windows surrounding the desk, and the spacious wood desk create such a nice, relaxed, breezy and creative space. This is where I’ll write my post-rehab memoir, which will win a Pulitzer, and then I’ll adapt it for the screen and win the Oscar.

Marilyn Monroe in her one-room apartment at the Beverly Carlton Hotel in Beverly Hills. “Throughout her life, Monroe occupied a series of residences, owned no jewelry and counted books, records and a picture of legendary actress Eleonora Duse among her most cherished possessions.” – Architectural Digest

I’ve moved 7 times in the last 6 years, and no place ever really feels like home until I’m surrounded by my favorite small things, like she is in this picture. Books, tin boxes, pictures, paintings, clocks, canisters, musical paraphernalia, etc. In fact, I get really cranky when I’m away from these creature comforts for long, which is why I carry a bag that rivals Mary Poppins’ and is full of little fucknuggets I catch glimpses of throughout the day that make me cozy inside.

Wayne Coyne (of the Flaming Lips) and J. Michelle Martin-Coyne’s kitchen. The injection of their character in this one room makes up for the lack of character in almost all of the rooms in all of the photos in this post! Why hire an interior designer when you pay millions of dollars to live somewhere? Don’t you want it to reflect you and have things in it that you like to see every day? The crazy ass spider/spaceship-looking lamp and vintage stove are perfect, the colorful floor offsets the white tile walls, and LOOK AT THE YITTEN KITTEN TITTEN! OH HAII KITTY, WHAT CHEE DEEEEEEENG!!! I name you Tron!

Title lyrics from Nick Cave’s “Right Now I’m A-Roaming,” which you’ll need to get now.

How do you like my new domain? Isn’t it exciting?!

I’m working on fine-tuning shit and that includes the blogroll, which right now has some fucknuggets shit.

Speaking of, when I signed up with this host, I put down my company name as “F-Nuggets LLC.” Loooooves it!

Every time. Every goddamn time I turn on the TV I am faced with this motherfucker right here. He is always on, he is always shouting, and he always gives me a panic attack.

So today I give the Oxiclean guy a giant FUCK YOU.

I went to LA for the 4th of July weekend and, of course, spotted a bunch of famous people.

The second I stepped off the plane I saw Pras from the Fugees. He was gorgeous, holding 2 guitars and a drum and boarding an international flight.

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At Intelligentsia Coffee in Silver Lake (which my friend Kyle opened! Yay!), Famke Janssen with her bew little dog, Licorice. I used to see her at 2A when I lived in NY, with the same adorbs pup. She looked gorgeous.

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At Point Dume in Malibu, struggling over the rocks at high tide, someone almost toppled over and I grabbed her arm to right her. Only afterwards did I realize that it was the wonderful Diane von Furstenberg! She was leaving with her husband Barry Diller. She was wearing a white belted one-piece bathing suit and looked stunning and glamorous. I love her.

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Leaving Point Dume, a nice fella steps to the side of the path to let us through. The guy he’s with says hello. It is Andrew and Luke Wilson. I die after my brain explodes from trying to process all of my Wilson brothers fantasies that I am NOT carrying out. Owen wasn’t there, but who am I to separate these men?

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At the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for a screening of “Easy Rider,” we saw the two dudes from “Mean Girls,” aka MY FAVORITE MOVIE EVER. They were with Matt Dallas and a bunch of adorable WeHo gays. This cemented Matt’s orientation for me.

Damian (Daniel Franzese)

I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK!!! / Oh my God, Danny Devito, I love your work!
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Aaron (Jonathan Bennett)

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Matt Dallas

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OK. I fucking adore Jonah Hill. He was lined up to host SNL last fall, but his episode was cancelled because it was the first week of the WGA strike. Major bummer. He wrote a really sweet blog about how sad he was because it had been his dream since he was a wee sprout. And now the strike is over, SNL is back on the air, and Jonah Hill is hosting it! Let’s hope the shithouse writing doesn’t ruin it! I have faith that Jonah will make it hilarious.

I don’t, however, have ANY faith that he can get through the entire thing without swearing. NOT A CHANCE.

Check out the promos (with Mariah Carey, the musical guest) – they’re really cute.

To promote his SNL appearance, he was also on Conan O’Brien this week. It was so goddamn funny I felt nauseous at the end because I was laughing so hard. NBC is notorious for taking down their videos, so watch this while it’s still up. His stories about meeting celebrities at the Oscars are gold. And he says “fuck,” naturally. His reaction when he says it is so cute! He’s so embarrassed. BEW BEW BEW!!! Unfortunately I can’t embed the video on WordPress, so follow the link below.

Jonah Hill on Conan O’Brien